It felt shockingly final.

His parting words, the tone in his voice, the language of his body, the way he walked out the door without a backward glance...it felt like another death. She supposed it was, in a way. Just one more in a long line of irretrievable losses she'd suffered to forces beyond her control. She should be used to it by now. But with each new loss, she seemed to feel it more deeply. Each new loss was harder to bear. And the longer he'd stayed in that room, his intensely dark eyes diving into hers the way that they always did, the harder it was for Alexis to keep control.

The sense of loss was everywhere, every second that Sonny was there. It scared her. HE scared her. But like an animal in the wild faced with a threat, Alexis knew she couldn't let him see her fear. So she let him see her rage and contempt instead. The loss and fear shut down and in its place came a resurgence of the red anger that her sister's murder put inside of her. Alexis clung to it like a life jacket. She had to. It was the only thing that would get her through the seconds until Sonny was gone.

She tried to cling to it still, even as she lay alone in the room anxiously staring at the closed door and wondering if it would soon open once again. Sonny had unexpectedly come back the last time he left, catching her by surprise - catching her tears just as she allowed them release. Alexis panicked, but covered quickly and well. But she didn't think she'd have the wherewithal to cover again should Sonny decide there was more he needed to say. And she knew she didn't have the strength to shut down anything else inside of her again.

The sense of loss was morphing into pure grief, and it was overtaking her heart. Sonny wouldn't be back to see her. Not ever. Her best friend was gone, and she missed him - even if he was nothing more than an illusion. It felt like another death. And she felt the welling of tears coming up on her again, asking for release. But now, Alexis was sure she could safely allow it. Her gaze lowered down from the closed door as the sting began.

"You did lie to me that night." She whispered roughly. "We're as wrecked as we could possibly be."

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Ned stood in the middle of the corridor, a contentedly sleeping baby in his arms and an angry surge of adrenaline pulsing through his body.

His eyes narrowed into slits as they trained themselves on the black-coated figure sitting in a chair in the visitors lounge with his head in his hands. It was him. He knew it. Even from that distance, even from the back, he knew. And Ned would have to walk past him to get to Alexis. What was Sonny doing there? His eyes shifted, taking in the other people milling about. There was no Jason, no Johnny, and no Max around to guard him. Why was Sonny there, sitting alone, assuming a posture that resembled grief - on the same floor as Alexis's room? Had someone else been hurt or killed in violence meant for him? As long as it wasn't Jason, which he have surely would have heard about himself, Ned didn't really care.

But no matter what his reason for being there, Sonny had better steer clear of Alexis and her child - THEIR child, or the next violence meant for him wouldn't miss its target. Ned tore his eyes from Sonny's back to look down at the precious baby in his arms and he remembered the first time he'd held Brook Lynn. And everything he'd felt washed over him once again. Ned hated to admit it, and he never would out loud, but he'd been worried. He hated Sonny with a passion, and would move heaven and earth to bring him down. When push came to shove, he was afraid. Could he really love Sonny's child as much he loved his own?

Throughout Alexis's pregnancy, he HAD loved Krista as his own - though it was nearly impossible to forget that she wasn't. The town was small, and Sonny was everywhere. There was no escaping him. And every time Ned saw him, he was reminded of the child he was stealing - the unintended payback for Michael that AJ wouldn't enjoy and Sonny wouldn't feel. By all rights, Sonny should feel it. Deeply. But Sonny never felt anything deeply, and he never paid for his multitude of sins. Others did. Not him. And every time Ned saw Sonny, his hatred for him grew. He'd never forgive or forget the pain Sonny brought to Alexis's life. He'd never forget the cruelty Sonny leveled against her while she lay in a hospital bed, her health at risk, with a new life growing in her womb. It was indecent, even for Sonny.

And there was something else about it that he tried to dismiss, but it kept creeping back up every now and again - the passion with which Sonny railed at Alexis. It unnerved Ned on more than one level. He railed as if in grief, as if he wanted her child to be his and felt betrayed when proof showed otherwise - as if he'd wanted Alexis, not his wife, to be the mother of his first born child. It was unsettling, what Ned saw in Sonny as the paternity result was read. But all Alexis saw was Sonny's hated for her, and Ned just let it be. He wasn't without guilt, but it was for the best. She wanted Sonny to hate her, even though it hurt.

His eyes bore into the back of Sonny's down-turned head, and Ned vowed to make Sonny pay, for everything, in a way that he would deeply feel. But as the baby emitted a small, quiet yawn, Ned peered into the face of the innocent life and realized there could be no worse fate for a man than to never his child. It was Sonny's own fault. He chose to live a dangerous life - Krista didn't. And she deserved to be safe. Ned would make sure that she was. He DID love Sonny's child, fully and without bounds. How could he not? She was a part of the woman he loved, who chose Ned to be her baby's father. Krista was a beautiful blessing that brought Alexis back to him, and he would love them and protect them both with his life. Right then and there, protecting them meant keeping Krista away from Sonny's eyes.

Ned turned and began to walk the other way - the long way back to Alexis.

-------------------------------------------------------

Why did have to come see her?

He hated her. She'd openly insulted him, lied to him, and betrayed his trust - all things that were expected and accepted if done by Carly. He'd as much as said so. But they were things that were not expected or accepted if done by her. They made him hate her. So what did he really want? What did he seek to gain by coming there when he knew what she'd just been through? The possibilities confused her, and they scared her. Alexis already knew he had killed before and was more than capable of killing again. And before he'd come to see her, Alexis believed he was capable of killing her, if he had to, to get to the child she kept from him. Believing it had torn her heart to shreds, but now she wasn't so sure.

The verbal arrows she'd shot Sonny's way made wounds. She could see it in his face, in his eyes...in his body too. She'd hurt him, just like she wanted to. And once she'd seen it, Alexis couldn't stop. With every flash of pain he registered, she went further, seeking to do more damage. She had to prove to herself that Sonny's pain was real, not something false he was using to manipulate her. She had to see him bleed. If she could truly hurt him, and use his own words to do it, it had to mean he cared...at some point...at least a little. It had to mean it wasn't all a lie. Alexis may have loved him, but she never expected to be loved back. She didn't even think she wanted to be. Not by him. It was too absurd - too impossible. And she knew that he loved someone else.

But Sonny made her feel loved back, for just one night. He asked her to trust him and let down her guard. He asked her to open her soul and her body to him - to share his bed. It felt unreal. But the things he said to her, the way he touched her and looked at her were almost TOO real. Was Sonny that good a liar, or was she that big a fool? He could have taken anyone to bed, if sex was all he wanted that night. Why her? Why did he choose her? The risk to their friendship was great, and the professional ethics of it were up for grabs. Sonny stood to lose more than she, and he never took uncalculated risks. Not that she did either, but...what was he thinking? Or had his thoughts truly given way to feeling? And why would it matter to him that Alexis didn't think that night was lie?

The more she thought about Sonny, they more his visit confused her. She didn't want to think about it - or him. He was gone, they were done, and each had their life to live. She was happy with Ned, and grateful that they'd found their way back in spite of everything. They were meant to be, and Alexis finally understood that loving someone with all her heart didn't mean she'd fade away. It meant she was more herself - her best self. Her baby girl was proof enough of that. Just thinking about the fact that she'd created a perfect new life made Alexis feel more validated than any Ivy League degree or court victory or law partnership in the world. Who would have thought? Life was just full of beautiful surprises, and her fear of love had been put to rest.

And Alexis began to ache for her child. She'd only had a brief moment or two after Krista was born to gaze into that sweet, pink face. The hum of the room over took her brain too soon, and darkness quickly fell. But that moment or two was burned into her memory for eternity, and enough to commit the baby's face to memory. Her daughter was beautiful, and the visceral need to hold and kiss the flesh of her flesh brought a wet spring to her eyes. She let her lids close and let the image of that tiny, squirming, dark haired angel fill her mind. Alexis wanted her baby, and her empty arms instinctively wrapped around herself until they were filled with the warmth of the love of her life.

The squeal of the door hinge opened her eyes. Alexis smiled at her husband's proudly beaming face as he moved toward her with a pink-wrapped bundle held protectively close to his chest.

"Where have you two been?" She gingerly pushed herself further upright against the two big pillows behind her. "She's way too young to need that much time to get ready to go out."

"Well, yes." Ned whispered. "But the doctor was giving her a little once-over and it made her fussy."

"Why?" Alexis stared anxiously, keeping her voice as low as Ned's. "Why were they checking her? What's wrong?"

"Nothing. Honey, it's standard. All babies, especially newborns, get checked out a lot."

"Oh."

"So she got a little fussy and they gave her a warm sponge bath to settle her down."

"Did it work?"

"Like a charm. She's asleep." Ned's eyes shifted from Krista's peacefully sleeping face to her mother's, which was wide-eyed, eager, and wet. "Oh honey. Is the incision hurting that much?"

"What?"

He reached down and brushed his fingers down her glistening cheek.

"Oh." She wiped her forgotten tears away with both hands. "No, it's not hurting. I'm just a little hormonal. A lot hormonal, actually. Get used to it."

Alexis laughed lightly as she lifted her chin to try catching a glimpse of the baby's face amidst the layers of pink cotton in Ned's arms.

"Do you think it'll wake her up if you put her in my arms?"

"Probably not. And if she does wake her up, my bet is she's back to sleep within ten seconds. I've done this before, remember?"

"Glad one of us has." Alexis leaned forward, her brow tightening in ill-hidden discomfort as she moved. "Now would you please let me hold her before I start blubbering again."

Ned laughed.

"You think I'm kidding?" She warned.

"Not at all. But I do think you're cute."

"Gimme."

He pushed the blanket away from the baby's face as he carefully sat on the edge of the bed. Alexis's eyes widened even more as they found the sweet, cherub face they sought. A slow, raspy intake of breath followed, and Ned's heart leapt as he watched a new rain of tears fall from his wife's eyes.

"Boy. You really weren't kidding." He turned further toward her and leaned down to lay the little one in her mother's waiting, wanting arms.

"Oh...wow." Alexis breathed. "She's so tiny. She hardly looks real. I mean, she looks like a...a doll. Oh wow. She IS real. And I'm her mother."

"That you are. And you're going to be the most amazing mother Krista could ever hope for."

Alexis looked up at Ned to find his gentle brown eyes were nearly as wet as hers. She smiled as she reached out to cup her palm to his face.

"I have dibs on the hormone card."

Ned laughed and kissed her palm, then leaned in to press a soft kiss to her mouth.

"I love you so much." She murmured.

"I love YOU so much."

He kissed her again, and the baby gave out a small, sudden cry, as if feeling left out.

"Aww." Alexis shifted, lifting Krista's little body up to place a kiss on her button nose. "We love you too, little one. More than anything. And that's forever."

Krista gave out a little yawn and squealed before two tiny lids began to pry themselves open.

"Hey - she's trying to look at you." Ned smiled. "She must have heard how beautiful her mommy is."

Alexis laughed and gently stroked her daughter's soft, pink cheek with the back of her fingers.

"Krista, your daddy is a silver tongued devil. I want you to know that I don't normally look like this, okay. But I clean up just fine."

"You've never been more beautiful, Alexis. I mean it."

She swallowed and tried not try cry anymore. "See sweetie? There he goes again."

The baby gurgled and peered up at Alexis with dark sparkling eyes framed by lashes too thick and black to be wasted on an infant. They were gorgeous, her baby girl's eyes. And Alexis couldn't help but see a bit of Sonny inside of them...or maybe it was all in her head. But what if it wasn't? A twinge of fear hit her, and she said a silent prayer.

"Please God, don't let her look too much like him. Don't let him see her one day and know..."

"Those hormones are sure working overtime, huh?"

Alexis looked up at Ned with watery eyes. She felt guilty for not keeping Sonny out of her head. But she knew that her daughter would remind her, every day, and Alexis had better get used to it. And it made her happy to know that even though she wasn't planned, her child was still conceived in love. It was true for Alexis, and Alexis chose to believe it was also true for Sonny...at some point...at least a little.

"Not hormones - just unbelievable happiness. Different motivations, same outcome if you're a new mother."

Ned smiled and plucked a Kleenex from the box beside her bed. But Alexis had beaten him to it with the back of her hand against her cheeks. He laid it down on the bed, knowing it would probably be needed soon.

"Spoken like an expert."

"Oh yeah. Me and June Cleaver."

Krista squirmed in her mother's arms and began to cry. Alexis looked panic stricken.

"What? What's wrong? Why is she crying?"

"Because she's a baby. It's what they do."

"But...but...don't they have a reason? Shouldn't I do something? I don't know what I'm supposed to do. Oh God - I'm a horrible mother. I can't even tell what my own child needs."

Ned lifted the Kleenex in offering.

"It's not funny, Ned."

Ned took her face in both his hands and made her look at him. "Alexis, you speak Latin, Greek, French, Russian, English, and something else I'm forgetting right now."

"Italian." Alexis sniffed and bit her lip.

"Right. Italian. But you do NOT speak baby."

She took a deep, slow breath and began to nod. "Right."

"Just do what you do best and approach Krista's crying logically. It probably means she's wet, or hungry."

"Wet or hungry - got it."

He slipped his hands from Alexis's face and unfolded the pink blanket as the baby kicked at the cotton. Feeling beneath her bottom, he shook his head.

"Nope. Not wet. That leaves..."

"Hungry."

Krista released a new round of kitten-like cries.

"I guess I'd...better feed her then."

Alexis stared up at Ned with an anxious face. Ned shifted on the edge of the bed.

"Um, I'll leave you alone with her, if you want, so you can..."

"No." She answered quickly. "No, I want you to stay. I'm just a little unsure of how to approach this. I mean I've read all the books and I know what to do in theory, but in practice...it's a little intimidating. I don't know if there's a wrong way to do it or a best way to do it, and I've read that sometimes the baby can even reject you and refuse to nurse, and I don't to do anything wrong so she'll...reject me. I mean, we only just met." Alexis bit her lip and gave Ned a bit of a goofy smile. "I'm sorry. I sound totally neurotic, I know."

The baby cried once more, decidedly louder, and Alexis shifted the bundle in her arms.

"You're right, honey. Mommy's a lunatic and you need to eat. I can do this. I can."

Ned frowned. Alexis looked like she wanted to cry again.

"Sweetheart, of course you can. And you will. I won't presume to know how you feel, but I can understand how nursing her for the first time would be daunting. And I do know for a fact that the nurses in maternity are trained to help new mothers get started."

"They are?"

"Mm hmm. So why don't I go get one of them to come help you and Krista out, okay? A nice, motherly, FEMALE nurse." Ned winked.

"Shut up." Alexis laughed.

The baby gurgled and waved her hands in the air. Alexis smiled wide and kissed Krista on the nose once again. She loved that little nose, and knew she'd be kissing it often.

"I agree, sweetie. Your daddy is a smart man, but he makes terrible jokes."

A tiny hand caught hold of a long lock of Alexis's bangs and held on tight.

"Owe...what a grip! I think tennis may be your game, little girl." Alexis watched with reverence as her daughter's eyes blinked open and looked right into her mother's - or so she thought. So she chose to believe. She touched her fingertips to the soft wisps of dark hair above the baby's ear and whispered gently. "You can hold on to me as tight as you want, or you can let go. Either way, I'm not going anywhere."

A sudden rush of sadness rose up inside of her - a renewed sense of loss. She missed her mother. She missed her sister. And she hated that they were both cheated out of knowing her child, and she was cheated out of them. But they were both her guardian angels, and would be with her and Alexis in spirit if not in body.

"Kristin, Kristina...Krista. They do live in you, my precious girl. Aren't you lucky?"

She murmured into her child's ear. Her child squeaked in response, and the button nose wrinkled up. A new cry followed, and Alexis realized that Ned hadn't left yet. Nor had he said a word.

"Ned?" Alexis looked up to see Ned standing at the window, fingers parting the horizontal blinds. "What are you looking at?"

He turned his head in silence. He didn't know what to say. He'd been looking for Sonny, but hadn't seen him. Ned didn't want to leave the room without checking to see he was still anywhere nearby. Sonny didn't need to know where Alexis was any more than Alexis needed to know that Sonny was there. Sonny was nothing to them now.

"Nothing." He smiled. "I'll be right back."

---------------------------------------------------------

It wasn't true that all babies looked alike.

The longer he stood staring at each little face in the two short rows of bassinettes, the more individual each one looked to his eyes. And he did stare, at the children of strangers, to keep from aching for the face of his own - the one who wasn't there. The bassinette of Krista Chloe Ashton was empty, as Sonny knew it would be. Ned had taken her to her mother. He had headed for the nursery when he left Alexis, before Sonny stole inside her room. Sonny knew he'd back soon, and would have his child in his arms. He knew it stupid to stay, and masochistic to say the least. But what in his life wasn't that? Sonny was paying penance, and his suffering was all that could give him back his honor. So he loitered in the lounge, trying to stay unnoticed while listening for the sounds of a baby's cry. The footsteps were everywhere. It was the baby his ears sought, to tell him that Ned was close and he might have a chance to sneak a look at his baby's face. Once he left that hospital, he wouldn't be back. And he didn't want to leave without seeing his little girl on the day of her birth. But the sound of a baby's cry never met his ears. And he never saw Ashton slip back into Alexis's room. He did hear their voices though, as he slowly and quietly moved past the closed door on his own way to the nursery...just because.

He wondered what she looked like. Who's hair did she have, who's eyes? Were they dark, like his and Alexis's? Or had Alexis's mother's light Swedish genes snuck in amidst the Cuban and Greek? Sonny chuckled to himself at the thought of his daughter as a golden haired cherub...with big, brown, vibrant eyes like Alexis. And of course, she'd have the same smile - one that dared him to even try not to smile back. He closed his eyes to the two short rows of other people's children and took a deep cleansing breath. Penance was going to be worse than he thought.

The squeal of a shoe opened Sonny's eyes, and he looked over to see Ned Ashton frozen in his tracks. Both men were surprised. Both men stared. Neither man spoke. And then, Ashton continued walking right past Sonny, as if the nursery wasn't where he intended to be. Still, he said nothing. And Sonny knew that Alexis hadn't told Ned a thing about his visit. Sonny would honor her choice.

But that didn't mean he had to stay silent himself...

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